2021 started off very productively. I was in my routine, I was exercising daily, I was excited and ready to go…and then February happened. I have no idea what actually happened this month to make me lose focus – whether it was the stress of my boss catching COVID, the impending doom feeling of running the office by myself, or a culmination of everything, but I completely lost focus.
I have always been a firm believer that waiting until you’re motivated is a waste of time. Here’s a secret, I am NEVER motivated. I never want to change into my workout clothes and leave the comfort of my home, but I do it anyway out of habit. Habits are much more productive than motivation will ever be.
Stress is my enemy, and even though I enjoy working out, I don’t use it as an outlet like I should. Unfortunately, my drug of choice is and always has been food. My entire childhood I had everyone obsessing over my weight (yes, I was chubby but I was never obese. I was also being bullied and abused, but that’s another story). Food was always some special thing. I wasn’t allowed to eat most “delicious” things, I had to call and ask permission to eat things if I was at a friend’s house, etc. I remember my grandma, whom I love dearly, would always say, “no, we don’t need bread today” while my grandpa enjoyed his bagel. She said I didn’t need the carbs. Out of all of this, my demons spawned. I used to get a rush when I would eat fast food or candy. I always wanted to sneak junk food. When I got adult money, the first thing I would do right when I got stressed was head to Starbucks or the gas station and pick up the most delicious thing I could find.
I’ve never fully healed from my childhood even though I am working hardcore on that this year. I was crying this last weekend because I was so frustrated with myself giving into the stress and eating what I was craving. I sat and reflected on what led me to this point, and all of these memories of people’s obsession with my appearance came flooding back. I forgave myself and reminded myself that this is NOT my fault. However, I am not a victim. Much like any other addiction, I have to take steps to recover, the first of which is forgiving those who essentially messed me up (we can have some fun and laugh at the situation). My goal the rest of this week is to not use food as an outlet (so far, I’ve done great!).
It’s time to start taking this health journey seriously. I have my dress fitting in August and my wedding in October. I don’t want to hate myself on my wedding day. Hell, I don’t want to hate myself anymore ever! I wish I could say I don’t care what others thing, but if I’m being honest, I don’t even want other people to see me right now. I feel so horrible about myself. But one day at a time! I will overcome this! Join me on my journey of healing and weight loss.